Lucky Me & My Simple Randomness

Part I: My friend Dana gave me a blog award this week and I am supposed to share seven bits of information about myself. Since I've over-shared so much in my posts (including my hat size--7 5/8), I don't know what to write. So I need your help. I'd like you to ask me questions. Is there anything you'd like to know?

Part II: I think I mentioned before that I have two posts planned on the topic of how lucky I am. This is not one of them—but it is about me being lucky....to have met some amazing people through blogging. In fact, if you're reading this, you're probably one of them. My blog friends are a great group. My last few giveaways were only for current followers, to let you know I appreciate you stopping by to say hello. I have sort of a giveaway for you today.

Dana (My Simple Randomness) is one of the amazing people I've met. She was among my first ten followers, so she's been putting up with my shenanigans for quite a while. If you don't know her, you should visit her blog--that bit of advice is today's giveaway. =)

She and I had an interesting experience last year. One Saturday morning I posted about a bad dream I'd had. Almost immediately Dana commented that she'd just had a very similar scary dream. The timing was perfect. I told her I would try to have a great dream to post about, so she could have one too. I didn't have that great dream, but she had one anyway, while awake--she found a BF who is also her BF. Pretty great!

Also, without going into details (I'd rather make it sound weird and mysterious), Dana did something wonderful this week (in addition to the award). I already knew this about her, but she showed she's the kind of person who is in a friendship to actually be a friend. She genuinely cares about people--she's a sweetheart. It was kind of touching. Normally, this is where I would make a bad joke about how I hate to be touched (emotionally). But this is no time for a bad joke--and, as usual, I can't think of a good one.

Happy Halloween!

PS - We bought our Halloween candy too early and now have to re-stock for the trick-or-treaters.

Compliment or Insult

I was getting ready to write something to a blog friend, but stopped myself. Would it be taken as a compliment or an insult? My instincts have been a little off lately--and my attempts at humor have missed the mark badly a time or two. I was going to write:

"You are one in a billion!!!" (How special)

It sounds nice. But the person could think I meant:

"I know seven people just like you." (How boring)


LOL, okay, that IS a stretch. Who would take that as an insult? But you never know.

A former work spouse once mentioned that my late-20-something co-worker looked very young. I passed along the compliment...and got my head ripped off. It turned out the girl's boyfriend had dumped her the day before--he said she was too childish for him. The last thing she wanted to hear was that she looked very young. The next day I got an urge to say, "Gee, you're looking kind of old today." But I resisted the urge. A little harmless teasing can be really fun, but that wasn't the right time.

So I waited and said it to her two years later. =)

"It's My Worst Nightmare!"

That's what my dog must have been thinking the past two days. For some reason, the existence of our attic freaks him out. The pull-down, folding stairs are in the ceiling of our family room. He covertly keeps an eye on the panel, to make sure it doesn't pop open. When we do open it, he leaves the room--with dispatch.

The past two days, workers have been replacing our roof. Bandit was happy to have them in the yard, where he could see them and greet them (by barking like a psycho dog). But when they got on the roof and started walking around, making noises (that seemed to be coming from the attic), he didn't know what to do with himself. The sound was everywhere, so avoiding the family room brought him no comfort.

But don't worry about Bandit. My family has been pampering him in a way that I know I'll never experience.

Darn that cute dog!!!

Have a great weekend--we're going to the pumpkin patch. =)

Five Hats

That's not the name of a new store or restaurant. It's what I'm "wearing" at work. Thanks to two retirements and two resignations, I'm covering the work of five people. Well, two of them didn't do very much, so I'm really only covering the work of 3 1/2 people.

Since the departures included my boss, in addition to the extra work, I have to spend (waste) a LOT of time in meetings. It's making for longer days than usual. The standard is an 11 hour day (plus two hours commuting time).

For fun and a nice distraction, I try to spend a little time commenting on your blogs during lunch (at my desk) or just before bed. So, if my comments are shorter (or weirder and with more typos) than usual, it's not a reflection of how much I enjoy reading your blog.

I'm closing with a bad joke I heard in a movie my wife watched today, "Happily N'Ever After"--it's a CGI version of Cinderella. The hero was appropriately named Rick--or Ella, depending on your perspective. =)

Why did the little pig not need to stop to use the bathroom?
Because he went wee, wee, wee all the way home.

The wolves really howled at that one.

Drivers Around You

I’ve mentioned several times that as a teenager I worked as an assistant manager at a burger joint. The other assistant was a 22 year-old blond who liked me and hated me. The guy she replaced didn’t like me either (hmmm, I wonder if that’s worth writing about?). Anyway, she often acted without taking even a second to consider the situation.

In August, she and the district manager’s daughter went to Ocean City, MD together. She had just purchased a new car and was eager to drive. As they crossed the Bay Bridge, she decided she wanted to listen to a CD that was locked in the glove compartment—and of course the key was on the same ring as her ignition key. She worried she would have an accident if she tried to remove the key while she was driving. So, she cleverly decided to turn the car off and hand the keys to her friend so the girl could open the glove box. She planned to coast for a while. What could go wrong?

What could go wrong is steering wheels lock when you turn off the engines. The portion of the bridge they were on was fairly straight—but not perfectly straight. Almost immediately her car started scraping against the guardrail. The two girls started screaming, not thinking to restart the engine and the car continued to scrap along the barrier until it came to a stop.

They were lucky the car didn’t: crash through the barrier; drift the other direction into traffic; or flip over. She KNEW steering wheels lock when you turn off the car, but it didn’t occur to her as she focused on getting the CD.

The moral of the story? Be afraid. Be very afraid—that people like her are out there!! I mean really, how could anyone hate ME??? LOL, just kidding, of course I mean be afraid because people like her are out there driving. So my friends, please drive defensively and don’t get mad when drivers do stupid things—just be glad you’re okay.

Have a nice weekend!!!

"C'mon Nancy-boy..." (It's horribly long!)

While my sister and BIL’s jerky behavior is fresh in your minds (last post), I want to share a story about something I shouldn’t have done (and hopefully you’ll let me off the hook). =)

Background: This BIL is misogynistic, racist, homophobic and he’s proud of it. If you’re not a white male, you’re inferior. He refers to all Hispanics (and some Asians) as “Mexicans” because it’s “easier”. Gays deserve to be mistreated. His favorite insult is to call men by women’s names, implying they’re gay. Because, you know, what’s a bigger insult than that? (I know some guys do that to tease friends, but that’s not what he’s doing.)

My brother’s wife wanted him to have a nice birthday. So she invited the family to dinner at his favorite restaurant—a Japanese steakhouse. She even invited that sister and BIL. I was 14 when I met the guy and I knew right away he was a jerk--you couldn't miss it! But my parents put up with him because he had more than two nickels to rub together—and they wanted the rest of us to put up with him too. Peace was top priority. After they passed away, my wife’s fingernails in my arm or leg helped me continue to bite my tongue.

I lucked out at dinner. We were in a private room with two cooking surfaces and my BIL was at the other table on the opposite side. I didn’t have to hear him and my vegetable fried rice was great. Towards the end of dinner, I excused myself to visit the men’s room. On my way there I passed my nephew. He was very upset. Apparently the BIL had been harassing the chef at their table. The gentleman was Asian, but the BIL kept calling him “Jose”, asking him if he had his green card, and threatening to have him deported to Mexico. He'd done much worse in the past, but it still made me angry. My nephew asked me not to make a scene.

I wasn’t sure if I could stay there and bite my tongue, again! I’d used up all the patience I had for that guy. When I got back to the table I gave my brother his present, gave his wife money for dinner, and very quietly thanked my BIL for ruining the party (for everyone at his table) with his racist remarks. Then my wife and I headed home. We talked as we drove and I told her that someday I needed to tell that jerk off good and proper. Then I wondered aloud if I was calm enough to do it “now”. My wife said, “I think you are!” So I turned the car around. We were only a mile from the restaurant.

There was a parking spot right in front of the restaurant, so clearly the universe wanted me to go in. I headed for the private room, but my wife stopped near the bar area to talk with my oldest sister (she LOVES to be referred to that way). Dinner was over and my BIL was talking to my brothers. I joined their conversation. Okay, I interrupted their conversation. I shook my BIL’s hand and said, “With all due respect (which I meant in the traditional way—no respect), I’ve listened to your ignorant, racist, homophobic comments long enough. I’m done. From now on, keep it to yourself.” He claimed he had no idea what I was talking about. I looked to my brothers for corroboration—we’d had 100 conversations about it. One brother looked at his shoes, the other at the ceiling, both with goofy grins. I guess I caught them off-guard.

Disappointed, I turned to my BIL and told him I’d said my peace and I expected him to keep his ugly remarks to himself. He just stood there looking at me with his hands in his pockets. I headed towards the door. But just before I reached it, my BIL said, “You have a problem Shirley!” My brain exploded. He was right—and now he did too. There was NO WAY I was going to let him offend the Toothfairy by using her name as an insult. {Actually, I didn’t know TF yet—I miss her.}

I stalked back towards him, fists ready, steam coming out of my ears. My sister-in-law said she’d never seen anything like it. My brothers got between us, but I was focused on my BIL’s hands. I challenged him to fight and wanted him to raise his hands to defend himself (I could shove the brothers out of the way). He didn’t, he just stood there with his hands still in his pockets. I tried to bait him by "insulting" him on his level. I said, “C’mon Nancy-boy, take your hands out of your pockets. Let’s go!” He refused and I knew the moment had passed. I warned the BIL to keep his mouth shut and I headed for the door again. He didn’t say a word this time. Unfortunately, my wife missed the whole thing.

As we were driving home, I got a terrible pain in my chest. I wondered if I’d gotten so angry I was having a heart attack. But it was a different kind of pain. Disappointment. While things were still civil, neither brother backed me up when the BIL denied his ugly comments and behavior. They had complained about that guy for YEARS, but just stood there grinning when the time came to speak up. That gave him the opportunity to claim innocence.

When we got home, I was still too angry to go inside. So I went for a walk. While I circled the block, my wife received a play-by-play over the phone from our sister-in-law. Apparently she and her kids thought it was great. They had been waiting for someone to tell that BIL off (I got 2 cakes on Father’s Day that year). My sister called the next day to apologize for her husband’s behavior. I got the feeling she was waiting for me to apologize too. I didn’t.

A few weeks later the family gathered for a wedding. I was feeling playful at the reception, so every once in a while I furrowed my brow and headed for my BIL. It really made my sisters nervous. They didn’t catch on, even after I’d start laughing and stop to talk with someone else. I did make small talk with the BIL that day—life goes on. The silver lining to my tantrum is that he has been a perfect gentleman ever since.


PS - (As if this needs to be longer) Except for the guy who asked me (3 times) to hit him, I've never started a fight. So please don't get the idea I go around threatening to punch people. I'm mild-mannered. =)

Time with Siblings

I've been planning two posts on how very lucky I am. But I'm putting them aside for a family post. My father's sister passed away recently--that side of the family is not long lived. By coincidence, she passed on the same day my father did (a few years earlier). I thought this might be an opportunity to see my brothers and sisters. It wasn't.

Of my five siblings, only one of them made it to either a viewing or the funeral. The others were too busy. The sister that did make it to a viewing made quite a splash. She and her husband informed the deceased aunt's daughter that her (the aunt's daughter's) infant son is "probably retarded"--because the boy likes to hold a soft cloth against his cheek while he drinks a bottle. I'd estimate that 80% of the babies I've ever seen liked to do that--it's comforting, which is something my sister and her husband know nothing about.

Before that happened, I commented to my sister how strange it was for our dad's sister to die on the same day in September that he did. What were the odds? (I know, 1-in-365, but let's not be so literal.) Her response, "Really? Dad died on that day?"

Family!!!

"Start a business" by Kym (and my last business idea)

Kym recently completed a nice video explaining the process she went through in deciding to start a business and how to start a business (Herrohachi). You should check it out—even if you’re not considering starting a business, the bloopers are a hoot. =)

I started a business or two as a kid--but it was kid-stuff (and will be the topic of another post). As an adult, I've been a 9-to-5'er (and at times, an 8-to-all-nighter). My ideas to start businesses have been few, but my very favorite was nixed by my wife--it was a service people would really want.

One rainy Saturday I found myself thinking back to Sunday school and how the nuns had us pray for souls in Purgatory. And I remembered my grandmother praying for her 10 siblings. She had outlived them all.

Then I had a great idea for a new business--Catholic Brothers Prayer Service!!! I'm Catholic (sort of) and a brother. We would offer to include your loved ones in the Prayer Servce's (my) prayers. The operation would undoubtedly incur costs (like me charging me rent). So, the Brothers would have to request you pay a $5 administrative fee to be included in their (my) nightly prayers (5 nights for $20 and, like Vegas, big spenders would sometimes be comped). The ad would include a clear (tiny) statement that the fees were not tax deductible.

Sure, it sounds shady--and if someone else did it, it would be. But if I did it, it would be okay. In the US, many small businesses organize as limited liability companies--LLC's. But the Prayer Service would have been set up under a different section of the tax code, as a "heLLC" (the IRS provides really cool handbaskets when you sign up for one of these).


Okay, clearly this is one of those ridiculous posts that spring up here every once in a while--and provides a little insight into what my wife has to put up with. I did think about Sunday school and my grandmother and then the crazy Prayer Service idea popped into my head. I shared it with my wife that evening over dinner.

Just as I'd hoped, she laughed, rolled her eyes, and said, "You're a strange man." She was right. I started with a nice thought (praying for people) and made it weird. Also, she told me I couldn't do it, just in case I wasn't joking (I was). LOL!

PS - Friends would always be comped. :)

PS II - The handbasket reference = "Going to hell in a handbasket"

A Knock at the Door

It's Saturday morning. Since it was a long, tiring week. I slept a little late. Not long after I got up (and while I was still in my PJ's), there was a knock at the door. Bandit went nuts barking--as he always does when we have visitors or mail delivery or people (even small children) just walking down our street. I opened the door to find two Jehovah's Witnesses on the porch.

I have nothing against Jehovah's Witnesses, except, well, they seem to have terrible timing. How did they know to show up the Saturday I slept late and was still in my PJ's? The very earnest looking young man of the twosome tried to hand me the Watchtower magazine and asked how I would feel if I was lied to. I smiled because my brain wanted to say, "I would exact revenge with swift and horrorible violence!" and then lean forward to ask the boy in a mean voice, "Would you ever lie to me???"

But I didn't. As I said, he looked very earnest--and his cheeks were pink and fuzzy. So instead I informed them it wasn't a good time since I was still in my PJ's.

One Saturday I conducted a little experiment with a pair of JW's. My wife was at the grocery store and as I got out of the shower I heard a knock at the door. I thought it was her. So I wrapped the towel around me and went to open the door. It was JW's. I decided to act as if I was fully dressed to see if and for how long the elderly couple would talk to a man wearing nothing but a towel--thankfully the towel did not slip. I also tried to interest them in becoming Catholic (which I am, just barely). I didn't get to complete the experiment. My wife came home an hour later and broke it up. (I think I've mentioned this before)

ANother bit of fun with JW's came on a Saturday morning we were getting ready to attend a wedding. The doorbell rang just as I was getting in the shower, so my wife answered the door. When I came out of the bathroom, she was still at the door. I heard one of the JW's say "it can be frustrtating to see people down the street not lead good lives, but get material rewards--new cars, boats...". I joined my wife at the door...again in a towel, that's weird now that I think of it (I never walk around the house in a towel). But anyway, I told the couple, "We ARE the evil people down the street and also late for a wedding". I'm pretty sure I said "thank you" and "goodbye" as I shut the door.

Again, I have nothing against Jehovah's Witnesses. They're trying to help me, in their way--which I don't share. But it's okay. They're not overly pushy and in the future when I'm a lonely shut-in, I am going to talk their ears off when they visit. If you're a JW, I hope you'll come visit me then--it'll be fun (when I turn into Grandpa Simpson).

Is it just me or do Jehovah's Witnesses have bad timing with you too?