I need to vent. One of my older brothers and his wife are separated and headed for divorce—someday. She threw him out 18 months ago because he wouldn’t stop dating. He said he stopped seeing the girl, then got indignant when his wife wanted to know why he was continuing to disappear (I’m a grown man, I can do what I want). His lies caught up to him when his GF called his wife. He had his 1st affair before celebrating his 1st wedding anniversary. He spent the night with another girl the same day his wife gave birth to their 2nd child. His wife found out and threw him out. They got back together and I thought he learned his lesson. He didn’t. He continued to have affairs. He’s now living with the GF.
A few months ago he called my house and ended up talking to my wife. She tried to talk sense to him, but he said he didn’t understand the problem—he had been dating this girl for a long time and things were fine at home before (before his wife knew). Why couldn’t they just go back to that??? And in case it’s not clear, he was wondering why his wife wouldn’t take him back and let him continue to date.
As adults, I have been able to help him in the past, calm him down (he has a bad temper) and help him see things logically. But this time I’ve failed. I’ve gotten frustrated to the point that I don’t want to talk to him anymore. To justify his actions, he complains about his wife. But he doesn’t want a divorce, he wants her to take him back and let him continue dating. His wife isn’t interested in having an “open” marriage. Oh wait, now I can see how this is TOTALLY her fault. Oh, my brother!!!
I could write a book about this brother (just this post was originally 5 pages in Word). He was annoyed that our father insisted on putting an agreement with him in writing—he felt dad should have trusted him. He continued to be indignant about it even AFTER he broke his word. He still tells the story about how dad should have trusted him, but not around me. I remind him that even though he put his word in writing, he didn’t keep it.
He called me last week to complain about his wife turning his kids against him. I told him he did that when he hurt their mother. We’ve had the conversation before, he never listens. He went on the say it’s funny that his family thinks he’s a piece of #&%$, but his co-workers and friends think he’s a great guy. Instead of trying to reason with him, I just asked, “Who do you think knows you better?” Those words hit him hard. I didn’t really mean for it to come out the way it did.
I’m supposed to be my brother’s keeper, but I’ve run out of ideas--and our sisters make excuses for him. So who will help him???
PS - It's interesting how often my brother gets indignant about people not trusting him!
Yikes! This brother of yours needs to get some counseling. I feel for your sister in law. I hope everything works out for the best. Just try to be the best brother you can be.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this, and I don't mean for that to sound trite. I have two brothers- one who means the world to me, and the other who has caused our family nothing but anguish for years, so I speak from experience.
ReplyDeleteThe older I get the more I realize that you can't change other people's behavior. It just isn't possible, as much as we might want it to be so. What you can do however is be a support for your nieces/nephews and their mom. It sounds like they need it. And hopefully you have a good support network as well.
I'm glad my tomato woes brought a much-needed smile to your face! I just got back inside from picking more of the blasted things. Needless to say, we didn't get that frost I was hoping for last night.
dannnng. i know some folks like your brother--you are NOT ALONE. i wonder why he got married if he wasn't ready to commit, or did he think he would have an open marriage? have they tried counseling?
ReplyDeletei dunno. if i was your sis in law i wouldn't want ur bro back! i'm glad you have more sense! just keepin it real...xo
wow! i'm totally speechless at how "clueless" your brother is on how he is hurting the people around him and how he is causing the breakup of their marriage and family. i empathize with how you feel: the concern for their family and the frustration to make him see light and change. i think after all you've said and done to right his wrongdoings, just continue praying for him. when dealing with an unreasonable person, i just pray.
ReplyDeleteOMG! This sounds EXACTLY like my BIL...I know what you're going through...but I'm glad that your SIL is getting a divorce...the way that I see my sister suffer makes me want to punch her in the face so that she can actually put two and two together...and get a divorce...
ReplyDeleteI don't know...I guess you'll just have to let him go through the divorce and finally realize what he had lost.
Btw, me and my family got to calling my BIL a "MANWHORE"...I guess that's the conclusion of his situation...for now...
<33 Rena
Oopsies...it should had been "my family and *I"
ReplyDelete*Proper grammar check. lol
<33 Rena
omg i wouldnt know what to do either if my brother behaved the way your brother does!! pretty sure my dad would get involved as well... my dad is super super respectful when it comes to women. he treats my mom like a queen!!
ReplyDeleteit's reminding me of last year when my brother was still with his skanky gf (i blogged about it too cuz i got sooo frustrated about him taking her back again, even though she strayed a few times already).
anyways, i hope your brother grows a brain before he loses his wife and kids for good.
p.s.
im backkk to blogging now soo you can take me off your "missing persons" list on your sidebar :PP haha
<3
Oh Rick...This post hits so close to home. Some people will never learn. Sometimes people have to do things or stop doing things because they want to, they have to do it for themselves, if they do it for other people they will eventually do things again maybe not right about but they will go back to their old self after a while. I'm really sorry about what your sister in law is going through, I can only imagine the pain she must be in and I can only imagine what her kids are going through.
ReplyDeleteOh, dear. I'm so sorry about what happened, R. I wish I could put together a bunch of words to console but words, unfortunately, fail me.
ReplyDeleteBut please don't give up - knock some sense into his immature mind!
your brother needs a big wake up call rick! what world is he living in thinking that an "open" marriage is OK?! i really hope he comes to his senses before he loses his family for good.
ReplyDeleteps. I can't believe he's your brother! :|
It's terrible you have to go through this.. especially since it's a family member. I agree with Georgina.. he just needs a serious wake-up call, because his behavior is destroying his most precious and closest relationships (of family). It just sounds like he's taken everything for granted in his life.. that he can have whatever he wants and do whatever he wants without regard for others. Life is not about just taking and taking, that's just selfish :( As for his wife, my heart seriously goes out to her-- no woman deserves that. Hope there can be some kind of intervention.. as someone else suggested, therapy might help him?
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up Rick!
Oh my I find it hard to believe you two are related. I know some siblings can be hard, but I mever imagined it can be this hard. I sympathize and feel sorry for you Rick, even more so for his wife and children. Sigh. I can't believe he thinks it's his right to have a wife and children AND a girlfriend on the side X_X
ReplyDeleteI hope he finds reason soon.
Wow, your brother needs help. He's lucky to have a supportive family like you who tries hard to put sense in him, but really, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself because at the end of the day, he is an adult who should be responsible for his own acts. I feel bad for his wife & kids, it's tough growing up in a broken home. =(
ReplyDeleteoh goodness Rick, I don't even know what to say. I'm at a loss for words....
ReplyDeleteIt's just sad that some people can't understand what may seem to be so obvious to everyone else & remain clueless about their situations. I can't even imagine the frustration you're experiencing :( And my gosh, his kids & (soon to be ex) wife, they must be hurting so much. I'm sorry that you're family is having to go through all of this.
Idk what to tell you because I don't have any good advice or words of wisdom. but it just seems so obvious that your brother simply doesn't understand. You all can get mad & angry, argue, make excuses, and be frustrated with him, but he won't understand, not until he loses all of those who he takes for granted.
awhaw =c what a stress fer yer sis in law =/
ReplyDeletend y cant ur bro realise what is he doin =s
what if yer sis in law do the same wid himmmmm ?
=|
WTH.
ReplyDeleteYour bro needs some... time with Jesus.
Seriously, someone or something needs to slap him and make him realize everything, whatever it takes, whatever way.
I suggest kids.
Hey Rick, sorry to say this but it sounds like your brother is a jerk. He should have not gotten married in the first place if he wants to date other girls while being in a committed relationship or marriage.
ReplyDeleteI think I understand you. And you shouldn't make up excuses for him. He chooses to do these things. Let him face the repercussions for his actions.
Your sister-in-law should divorce your brother. Period.
My uncle was the same as your brother
ReplyDeletemy dad punched him...after that,nobody in the family helped him, but we looked after his sons and daughters. we offered our best support for my cousins
my dad hated two timers...how about sending my dad over there..hehehehehe
Oh man this sucks. I hate it when the bad guy is the one we're supposed to be sticking up for.
ReplyDeleteOmG, is he really your brother?? Can it be that he was adopted or something like that? How can brothers be so different from each other?
ReplyDeleteIt is astonishing that there are so many people like your brother. They must have some kind of genetic disfunction which distortes their common sense or so. I hate it when such things happen in your own family. Do you still have some hope left that you can actually help him or not? :-(
sorry to hear about your brother. some people are just stubborn and think they are far more important than anyone else. I came across something like that last month. You can't change them. Even if you give them reasons after reasons they still will think that they are right :(
ReplyDeletei'm sorry to be blunt but your brother is an idiot. you can't go into marriage and expect your spouse to be okay with you dating other people. uh what's the point of the marriage then?! unless it was pre-planned, he's everything to blame! what he needs is to stick to his girlfriend and marry her ONLY if she's okay with him dating other people. but in the end, it sounds really effed up. sorry but this is why i don't like marriage.
ReplyDeleteWow, I feel for his wife. Men should never do such a thing. I think that it's worse when he seems to not know what he's doing is not a problem. I'm gladdd that you're different :)
ReplyDeleteare you sure he's your brother?
ReplyDeletelike ARE YOU SURE?
i'm just saying.
perhaps, all the "nice boy, kind-hearted" genes all went to you ;)
Things like these can be so hard, especially when they're close family. You feel responsibility, you feel frustration, you feel helpless, you feel exhaustion.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to vent sometimes. You have to.
Sometimes you can't personally do anything for a person in that situation, sadly, they have to learn on their own, it's the people around them that need you most.
Here's to the small things in life that make you smile! :)
Wow. That sounds really frustrating for your brother and for your family. I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this! I hope one day your brother gets some sense knocked into him! Hint! ;) Just kidding.
ReplyDeleteCLOTHED MUCH, a modest fashion blog
You and your bro are very different. Reading this, I feel really sad for your sister-in-law.
ReplyDeleteHope there will be a quick finish soon, so everyone can just move on with more certainty.
So sorry to hear about your family situation. I think he sounds like someone around me but I don't remember who...
ReplyDeleteRYC -
ReplyDeleteoh Rick! your comments always make me smile~! :)
this is unfortunate..but i guess it is what but not who..I think only mistakes can save/help him...hope he would someday learn and realize what he's done not only hurt his wife...but everyone else around him..
ReplyDeleteon another note-have a great week!
xx
some people just never grow up eh? i'm sort of in the same situation but not to that extreme. Trying to talk sense into people and help them just doesn't work when they themselves aren't interested in being helped. It sounds like your brother doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing so in the meantime, he's not going to hear anything anyone else is saying. Patience and prayer is the key :)
ReplyDeleteWhat kills me is not that your brother keeps cheating but that he truly doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this. He sounds very selfish, he's out to get what he wants no matter who he hurts or how much he hurts them. I can imagine this must be really hard for your family. You can bring the horse to the water hole, but that doesn't mean it will drink. Patience my friend. Course, that's easier said than done.
ReplyDeletehahaha! for a moment, i actually thought there was a restaurant in your city called "Karen's Kitchen" tricky, tricky. :P
ReplyDeleteOne should not feel sorry for one's kin ... when chance after chance had been given. Sometimes, enough is enough because to care too much is the worst thing you can do for him. It's time to let him fend for himself!
ReplyDeletewow I'm appalled. It's amazing how huge of a mistake your bro has made and yet he still thinks he did nothing wrong!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you've done everything you can to help change things, the kids are the most innocent victims in this case. I think the wife has been patient enough all these years and a person has only so much patience in them. I have to say, your bro deserves what he's going through right now. :(
I hate cheaters, once a cheater always a cheater.. :(
I can't believe your brother actually can't see the point. I think what you said to him really hit him hard and I do hope he sees a little light now... Not the light of the oncoming train, I hope. I hate such men. I do not wish to continue or you would see lots of symbols in my text. LoLz...
ReplyDeleteMy good fren's hubby walked out on her when she was about to give birth to their 2nd child. Chased the heavily pregnant her and 1 year old son out of the house in the rain mercilessly. He was the cheater but told everyone she comitted adultery. I mean everyone could all see after the separation who's the one with the other partner. *rolls eyes* The other partner was actually a fren of my good fren! A pair of callous couple I woild say. Latest news I heard, he's cheating on his current wife now after she had given birth to their child! What can I say.
Sorry a little bit of rant up there... but I feel so much when reading this post of yours.