According to a blurb on the HHS (U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services) news page, wives need to calm down for a marriage to be happy. Husbands? Apparently they can stay upset. The story references a study done by researcher Lian Bloch.
The two best lines are:
"This isn’t about who wins the argument – but a study of hot marital fights indicates that when the wife calms down, the couples are more happy."
"Bloch says calm wives were able to look constructively for ways to deal with the emotions and talk about ways to solve the problems. Happiness didn’t change if the husband calmed down quickly."
Did the researcher only talk to husbands??? It is widely acknowledged that for a husband to have a happy life, his wife has to be happy. But this comes very close to saying "the little ladies are too emotional and need to calm down/think clearly if they want to be happy." While I am all in favor of staying calm in the face of a problem, I would never (be brave enough to) say that wives are less rational during an argument.
Now I don't have to say it--I can just leave copies of the story around the house. LOL!
In case you can't want to read the blurb, here's a link to the HHS webpage:
http://www.hhs.gov/news/healthbeat/2013/11/calm-down.html
PS - I joke, but I am in no way disparaging the research or wives. Life is complicated and each person and each couple is different.
I know this all too well, as most couples should -- when emotions get flared up in an argument, things can turn ugly really quickly and the subject of the original argument lost. I think that the study is saying that women are more emotional, very true. Perhaps the research should say "husbands help your wife calm down" instead of just "wives, calm down." I know I'd appreciate it if a little funny/silly is inserted during a heated argument. Would calm me right down. That's how J does it. He is wise beyond his years ;).
ReplyDeleteI agree, it should be both helping each other. We've been lucky. When I'm angry, my wife gets quiet. When she's angry, I'm usually amused (but I never let it show). So it's really rare for us to have a heated argument. J is a natural...he's going to be blessed with good relationships. :)
Deletebecause women tend to hold onto grudges and over-analyze things while men will get mad for a while and then forget about it. but most women will hold on to their anger and bring it up during other fights.
ReplyDelete-kathy
Vodka and Soda
My wife does usually have to remind me what grudges I'm supposed to be carrying ("Why are you helping him after what he did???"). It takes too much energy for me to hold onto that stuff, but I think holding onto it energizes her. lol!
DeleteSeriously? I read to the end of your post expecting you to say it was from study back in the 1950s. :-(
ReplyDeleteI think we could find a study to support just about anything. What shocked me was that a Dept of the US government decided it was worth promoting on its official website.
DeleteI was speechless.
Then amused.
Then afraid (that I'd get myself in trouble joking about it).
based on my own observations I think it's still true that it's mostly women who manage the emotional state of a relationship. it's sad really. but many conversations I had with friends circle around how to manage not man. I think a lot of us are still raised that way. these old gender roles are hard to change. I agree with above, it sounds like a study from the 50s. I personally think we did take a few steps back and that things looked a lot better or promising in the late 90s, early naughties.
ReplyDeletethat was supposed to say 'manage the man'
DeleteIt is confusing. I thought my wife and I had a slightly old-fashioned relationship. After reading this I think we're more progressive than I realized--but really it's just that society in general has taken those steps backwards you mentioned.
DeleteOooh and before I take that big step and say I do, I shall always keep this in life. Husbands should also always keep in mind that a happy wife is a happy life. hehehehehe.
ReplyDeleteAmen! Hubby doesn't want trouble? Then don't start trouble! :)
DeleteRick... I know it's hard to believe but I don't think I'll ever be a calm wife. :)
ReplyDeleteWho needs calm when you're awesome?
DeleteWhen I'm in the midst of an argument or when I'm feeling frustrated, there is nothing that irritates me more than when my husband says "you need to relax". It only has the opposite effect!
ReplyDeletexo, Yi-chia
Always Maylee
Oh my, yes...that's a dangerous thing to do. "You shouldn't feel that way" is another invitation to trouble.
DeleteHave a great weekend!
hmmm. odd. the other day someone (who isn't my boyfriend) just threw me the "ok you're right you win" line, despite the fact that we weren't a) arguing b) competing of any sort. and i felt.... like slapping his face (even though I probably have a million other reasons to slap his face). but, do people still do that? like just say "you win" to get the other person to shut up?
ReplyDeleteoh! oh! and I wasn't even talking at that time. i don't get why he said that. sigh.
anyways, on a brighter note, I nominated you for the Liebster Award (details on le blog but I don't think I need to tell you that :p ). I hope you play along! :)
I didn't think so...but I have heard people say, "Fine, whatever" when they want to stop debating something. That's so odd he said that for no reason. I was thinking he needed to be slapped, then you confirmed it! :D
DeleteThank you so much for the award. It's been a long time since that happened. I'm definitely going to play...hopefully my answers won't be boring.
I think that men and women both have to be happy in the relationship that they are in. I believe that both parties both need to be rational, calm, and be able to talk things through. Now with that said not everyone is going to be the same or deal with the situation the same. I think that there are times when the roles are reversed and the men needs to calm down and relax. Either way, I think that I too need to calm down when I get upset. My problem is that I'm usually quiet when I'm upset and people bug the crap out of me before I get to cool off. That's when my loud side comes out, haha.
ReplyDeleteOh no, people really need ot learn to give you a little space (and time) when you need it. I need that even when I'm not upset. I'm more calm in an emergency than my wife, but she has had to calm me down often enough when I was angry...so I can't say I'm more calm in general than she is (but I really am :).
DeleteI kind of agree with this. Well in my case. I'm always overreacting and freaking out about small things. I'm a woman. That's what we do! :) My poor boyfriend always has to listen to me!!! lol..
ReplyDeletexo Mel
turquoise blonde
I'm sure he's just happy he gets to be the one to listen! :)
Deletesooo good
ReplyDeleteAt least I didn't get in trouble for posting it!
Deletehahah I read that a few days ago, women just need to "get over it", well the thing is sometimes people say things they don't mean in an argument and those words will linger for a long time. Btw about your mom's comment, that's so sad, it reminds me of this song though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SOrmtqTVHc
ReplyDeleteOr they linger forever, depending on the person....not that I have anyone in mind (but just between you and me, she never forgets a slight).
DeleteThanks for sharing that song--I like it. I need to listen to it a few more times.
Hmm this "study" seems a little suspect to me, but I suppose women do hold grudges longer whereas men just get over it. Women never seem to have enough "closure" lol
ReplyDelete