Correctness Extreme?

I've been working on performance appraisals this week and discovered something amusing about our new appraisal system.  When you're done, the system runs a spell check.  I appreciate that--my brain and fingers get out of sync at times (often).  Next, the system runs a "language check".  That identifies words that could be considered offensive.

The system flagged words like "short", and "old", and "broad" and asked me to change them.

Are there really managers out there who would use those words in an insulting way in an official performance apparaisal???   Maybe something along the lines of, "The old, short broad still does great work"???  LOL! 

I just can't imagine that.  But then again, many, many things happen in the world that I don't understand.  So I really shouldn't be surprised about a language safeguard being built into an appraisal system. 

My dad probably wouldn't have been able to complete an appraisal using this system.  His name sounded like "Rick," but started with a different letter.  :)


PS - Just for the record, I used those words as follows:  "short-staffed"; "old weapons"; and "broad range of duties".  Nothing offensive. 

Holiday Strategery (Family)

You probably shouldn't read this post if you've just eaten.  Or if you're about to eat.  Maybe you just shouldn't read it at all. 

I'm in a little hot water at home because of something I included in grace before dinner last Thursday.  Everyone else passed on the chance to say grace, so they have to live with the consequences of letting me step up to the plate (a baseball-related pun).  My wife's sisters usually join us for Thanksgiving, but have missed the past two years.  My side of the family used to gather for Christmas, but haven't for several years.  So at the end of grace I simply mentioned reconnecting with family on future holidays. 

For good reasons, my kids were...not quite appalled...what's a good word for not thrilled?  Anyway, I think you get the picture.  Without going into too many details, it's hard to imagine someone choosing to hang out with either side of our family.  But they're family.  And I have strategies for dealing with both sides.  Since I've shared plenty about my family over the years, I'm going to explain why my kids aren't eager to have my wife's sisters join us for a meal.  It's not so much their personalities as it is their gross habits (although personalities play a part too, lol).  Let me introduce you (w/a few details).

The Re-arranger:  She's the eldest sister, has a good heart, but gets carried away at times (pushy).  You have to be forceful to keep her from going on a steam-roll.  She's ruined more than one of my wife's birthdays (that's MY job).  She enjoys decorating.  And she enjoys rearranging chips.  If there's a bowl or plate of chips or crackers, you can bet she's touched them all in search of the next one she's going to eat.  It's funny to watch her.  The worst part is she'll pick her teeth, then start touching chips in the bowl again.  Double gross.  To avoid that, I have a special, individual serving dish just for her. (She's easily the nicest of the 3--you can communicate with her.)

The Pack Leader:  The youngest of the four.  She has eight dogs and they do as they please.  She never washes her hands.  Ever (and she thinks Canada is a state).  One Thanksgiving she brought a dog with her.  The little guy had surgery on his leg and couldn't be left alone (with the wild dogs).  He had a potty accident on the floor, which she cleaned up with a single-ply paper towel.  Then she immediately grabbed a pan of baked dinner rolls and started placing them (by hand) into a basket.  I quickly snatched 4 before she got her hands on them.  I was honest when she asked why I did it--and she was offended.  I've kept that from happening again by striking up conversations with her just as food is about to be served (and by being in a position to hand her a plate, not vice versa).

The Brain Tickler:  A middle child.  She has no interest in cooking (or cleaning--anything, ever), so I don't have to keep her out of the kitchen at parties.  I've never seen her touching food she wasn't going to eat.  But there's the brain tickling (and the complete inability to listen to what others say and, seemingly, what she says herself).  No, I don't mean brain teasers.  It's that, well, she has long, thin fingers and, apparently, her nose itches a lot...way up in there.  It's an appalling and fascinating sight.  You can't help but wonder how she's NOT touching her brain.  This one is easy to avoid--just look away every time her hand moves towards her face.  (But you still know she's doing it. **shudder**)

As the saying goes, we choose our friends, not our family.  But my kids are wondering if we have to eat with family just because they are family.  (Yes)  :P


PS - This reads like a mean post, but I'm the only one who thinks we should get together with them.  I need to work on making that happen.

Thanksgiving, again

Our Thanksgiving (TG) menu (and this post) has become a tradition and is essentially the same every year.  The menu was my family's tradition, but became my-inlaws tradition when my wife and I were 19 (we were dating then). Just before TG my mother-in-law had surgery that left her incapacitated. My GF and her 3 sisters panicked at the thought of cooking TG dinner. I told them not to worry, I would do it. We agreed they would buy the turkey and I would take care of everything else.

I had never cooked ANY dinner before.  The only cooking I'd ever done was flipping burgers at Hardee’s (and beating tomato soup out of a can). But I'd watched my mom and grandma in the kitchen. Plus, I'd changed the water for them when they soaked turkeys. How much harder could it be to cook one?

Speaking of soaking a turkey, I decided to spend the night at my in-laws house so I could do that and get an early start cooking the next morning. After dinner I went to the fridge for the turkey. It wasn’t there. I asked my wife where it was. “Oh, it’s downstairs in the freezer.” *cringe* I thought they knew the bird had to thaw before it could be cooked…they didn’t. That was my fault, I should have asked about it several days earlier. No problem! I stayed up all night, changing the water every 30 minutes, and the bird was ready to cook by 8:00am. (But what was that stuff hidden in the neck cavity??? LOL!)

I’ll spare you the details on all the prep work and skip to the results. The turkey was a little dry. The mashed potatoes were a little lumpy. The marshmallows on top of the yams were a little scorched (really, just a little). I used Minute Rice for the sausage stuffing (it was good anyway) and the green beans were canned. But the salad was okay, my brown ‘n serve rolls and canned cranberry sauce were great and the butternut squash pie was perfect (my mom made it).

As you can see, I didn't make a great meal. But it didn't matter. Somehow it was one of their favorites and the menu became their new family tradition. I guess because they were feeling especially thankful that year—that my mother-in-law survived brain surgery.

So why am I sharing this? Well, just to show that there’s no need to stress if you're faced with cooking your first meal or first for a new sweetie or his/her family. The real joy in sharing a meal is not about the food, it’s about the time spent together. If your family-friends don’t appreciate you cooking for them, then invite me over. I ALWAYS appreciate it when someone else is willing to cook!!! Call early if you’re more than a 2 hour drive from DC.  ;P

Happy Thanksgiving—whether you celebrate or not (or have celebrated it already in Canada)!

If you don't mind sharing, what are you thankful for this week?

Life with Ricademus

I encountered a celebrity.  Danny "I'm too old for this stuff" Glover visited the Smithsonian's Folklife and Cultural Heritage progam.  I was in an elevator, heard someone ask me to hold it (which I did) and then Glover stepped in.  He politely thanked me.

I responded, "Happy to.  I wouldn't hold the elevator for just anyone.  I wouldn't hold it for Mel Gibson.  But happy to hold it for you."

He didn't react.  The ride only lasted one floor, so perhaps he was thinking about where he was headed rather than enjoying our elevator conversation.  Or maybe he was thinking about the best way to share the comment with Mel.  :)

You scratch my back...

A good back scratch can be one of life's simple pleasures. But one that misses "the spot" (that itches) can be surprisingly aggravating.  It's as if the fact that relief is so close intensifies the itch.  Maddening! 

For me, the spot is usually near the bottom of my left shoulder blade.  Now I have a plastic monkey's paw to bring relief when the need arises.  But way back in my teen years I sometimes ended up imitating a bear--scratching my back on the corner of a door frame.  Embarrassing, but it brought relief and occasionally offers of help.  Two of my co-workers at Hardee's could go right to the spot, as if they could read my mind.  It was very nice.  Very nice.  It helped that they were good workers--so I didn't have to feel guilty about scheduling them to work with me.  :)

Unfortunately my wife almost always missed the spot.  I often had to ask her to stop and a time or two I asked if she was doing it (missing) on purpose.  I remembered this because the other night she gave me a quick back scratch and found the spot.  I offered positive reinforcement, but it led to a Life with  Ricademus moment.

Me:  Thank you, you're the best.
Wife:  That's not what you used to say.
Me:  I don't know those people anymore.  :P

I messed up, but it worked out well.  She got to laugh, I got to laugh, and she got to smack my arm.  Of course it goes without saying that I'll be making do with the monkey's paw for the next few weeks.

Do you enjoy having your back scratched???  If you don't have a monkey's paw, a ruler (though not as stylish) works just as well.

Two Little Pigs at the Gym (I can be a jerk too)

I bet everyone who has joined a gym (and actually gone) has stories about their experiences there.  My friend Kristie shared an interesting gym story earlier this week—about Curly, Moe and Larry.  Or was it Manny, Mo and Jack?  Either way, it was a good story and reminded me of an experience I had with two little pigs.  Two guys who were at the gym only to ogle girls.  There's nothing wrong with noticing someone is attractive, but these fellows weren't doing that.  They were being pigs. 

Like Kristie, my wife and I joined the local Y.  It occupied a former elementary school and the gym was set up in the old Multipurpose Room.  During our workouts, we occasionally saw two men hanging out together at the water fountain.  They may have worked out before we arrived, but I never saw them work out.  All I ever saw them do was chat at the water fountain and take turns pretending to get a drink when a woman was on a certain piece of equipment.  Bending over and turning their heads to get a drink gave them a better angle to ogle.  My wife and I rolled our eyes at them and went about our workouts. 

One day I wasn’t motivated to workout.  We were using treadmills, side-by-side, up on the stage portion of the Multipurpose Room, looking out towards the water fountain.  I spotted the two little pigs in action.  I decided to try a little experiment--in search of motivation.  As I trudged along, I started thinking about what jerks those two were.  The ladies just wanted to get a little exercise, not be gawked at by a couple of jerks.  That could be my sister (no it couldn’t) or wife or niece or friend.  Who do those jerks think they are???  Jerks!!! 

I worked up a pretty bad attitude—and my legs were really moving.  I was getting a great workout.  But the anger must have started showing.

Wife:  What are you doing?

Me:  Nothing.

Wife:  Do you know those guys?

Me:  Nope.

Wife:  Stop it.

Me:  I'm not doing anything.

Wife:  Do you know that girl.

Me:  She’s a 22^nd cousin.  (supposedly we're all at least that close.)

My wife wasn’t the only one who noticed.  One of the guys made eye contact and then looked away quickly.  He tried acting nonchalant, but kept sneaking peeks at me.  I could feel my eyebrows furrowing down into my eye sockets and it was hard not to laugh, but I kept up the attitude.  Eventually that fellow told his friend.  Then they both tried (and failed) to act casual.  Within minutes they walked out, without making eye contact again. 

I don’t know what they were thinking.  Like my wife, did they think I knew the girl they were targeting?  Or did they just see a crazy person glaring at them as if they’d shot his dog?  I’ll never know.  But I do know I got a GREAT cardio workout that day.  And I know guys like that DO make me mad, I just let it show that day.  (And I know I was being a jerk too!)

*sigh*  I miss the excitement of the gym.  lol

Vote to Expand Gambling

Maryland's governor and several county executives (who cannot run for re-election) appear in commercials advising voters to approve an expansion of gambling in the state--because the related tax revenues will go to support schools.

They guarantee it.

The state comptroller (the money man--who can be re-elected) says school spending will not go up if gambling is expanded.  Any gambling revenues WILL go to schools.  But the school budget will not go up because the state will then reduce its contribution to school funding by essentially that same amount. 

The casino owners and their lapdog politicians will get rich and the schools will get basically nothing.  On the bright side, overall state revenues should go up.  But they may not because the proposal also includes a tax cut for casino operators. 

I'm voting against the expansion.

I'm not anti-gambling, I just hate the lies.  More taxes than I can remember (a special phone tax, real estate tax, liquor tax, etc.) have been passed to "support education".  But the schools never get the money.  It goes into the State's general fund and disappears.  Legalizing slots machines in the state was justified as "just slots" (no tables games, no real gambling) to save our schools and the state horse racing industry (a Maryland tradition).  Just two years later we've GOT to have table games to save our schools (Think of the children!!!).  The lottery was going to save the schools when I was a kid.  Instead it funded construction of a baseball stadium and then a football stadium.

For some reason voters have short memories and keep believing the lie that "it's for the children".

Perhaps it would be simpler to just remember that whenever politicians talk, they’re most likely lying. 


PS - I'll resume my usual positive attitude after the election tomorrow.  No mater what happens, we'll need to make the best of it.

Distractions

As we waited for Hurricane Sandy to wind down, I wanted to distract my family from it as much as possible.  So during the worst of the winds (and while secretly praying the windows didn't get blown in and the neighbor's tree stayed rooted) we sat in the kitchen working on a family project--assembling a propane grill.  Putting together grills is much easier than it used to be, but there are still plenty of parts and too many opportunities for jokes about what gets connected to the ham bone.  (Ever hear the "Dem Bones" song?  "The knee bone connected to the thigh bone"???)  Oh well my kids didn't know it either.

In addition to the project, there was general goofiness.  Things like reminding the kids to let me know if anything valuable blew into the yard--finders keepers!  And telling my son (repeatedly) if he needed to go to the bathroom he would have to go outside and use the Euphemism.  Fortunately he is familiar with Halloween is Grinch Night, the story of little Euchariah Who getting blown away by the wind when he went outside to use the outhouse.

Now that I think about it, except for putting together the grill (in case the power went out) and the sound of the wind, it was pretty much a normal day at our house.

We were very, very lucky.  I hope you, your family, and friends who were in Sandy's path are all safe and sound.