Drawing, sewing, painting--anything that requires good "fine-motor" skills. It could be that I don't have the patience to practice/develop the skills, but I don't think that's it. Especially considering the patience I showed as a kid spending hours learning to balance on top of a barrel while rolling it around the neighborhood with my feet--a useful skill if I'd grown up to be a circus bear. ;P
I also don't do well in one-way relationships, of any kind. I believe that friends don't keep score and 50/50 is an unreasonable myth--all relationships naturally ebb and flow. But when it becomes completely one-sided, eventually I stop putting in effort. And by "eventually", I mean when I notice (which can take a while).
I used to be fairly close with one of my sisters. She's 9 years older, but once I got out on my own we never went more than a few weeks without one of us calling the other (that's as close as it gets in my family). Then she started calling more often because she thought her hubby was cheating. We talked a lot and she cried a lot. Before long the crisis passed and we went back to talking just every few weeks.
Three years later I realized she hadn't called me in three years! I was the only one working at keeping in touch. Maybe she was embarrassed I knew what happened? (no one else did) Maybe she was embarrassed about crying? (after all, we are German) I decided to ask her about it. At first she denied it and then had a dozen excuses--none of which kept her from keeping in touch with our 2 sisters. So while 50/50 is a myth, I decided it was time to give my sister a chance to keep in touch with me. Our only contact since then has revolved around our dad's estate.
My wife is pleased about it because that sister got hit by both of our family curses--she lost her sense of humor and became extremely arrogant. She now hates it when she's not the smartest person in the room, so naturally having me around is difficult for her. LOL! We'll see what the future brings.
How patient are you with family and friends who expect you to do all the heavy lifting in maintaining the relationship???
PS - When a friendship becomes completely one-sided, I think it's called stalking. So it's good to move on--and much more quickly than I did with my sister. =)
You sound so cheerful and matter-of-fact with this story, but it must have been really hurtful to have had a family relationships deteriorate like that! Ugh there are many reasons why friendships ebb and flow, each situation is different it seems. Sometimes it's natural and sometimes it's gut-wrenching, but no matter the circumstances it's always a little sad I think. Maybe one day your sister will reach out to you!
ReplyDeleteMy family is odd (as most are, I guess). Over the years I've gotten to the point that the odd behaviors and attitudes have become things to be amused by or annoyed by or curious about, but not hurt. It is always a little sad to lose a friend.
Deletehmm maybe i'm one of the different ones because if people don't call me for a while, i'm cool with that; i just chalk it up to them being busy. of course, not calling for 3yrs is extreme; i was talking about not calling for a couple of months at the latest.
ReplyDeletei do agree though, that it has to be a 2-way street and that both parties have to make an effort.
Not so different, I'm the same way. Life gets hectic and we just don't have time to keep up with everyone all the time. It's not unusual for a friend to call after a few months (or me to call them) to set up a lunch of dinner to catch up. I really am just talking about the extreme cases--and I think I've only had two. My sister and a former friend who somehow got the idea (and actually told me) she shouldn't have to call me (except when she wanted my help with something), I should be the one to keep in touch....that weird conversation is actually what got me thinking about this in the first place.
DeleteI am just like you, I can't cook, sew, paint, or do anything artistic...except play the piano. Not sure how that works. But yes 1 sided relationships are the worst...I am not the most sympathetic person either...it is or it isn't...
ReplyDeleteI had one friend (I've posted about a time or two) who actually told me it was my job to keep in touch with her--because she was the girl. LOL!
DeleteWow, 3 years of no contact is much, especially for family! My older siblings are 10 and 13 yaers older than me, yet we try to keep in touch and usually meet once a week at my mum's place, sometimes more often, depends on how busy they are. To stay in contact is really easy nowaydas with email, mobile phones, facebook and such, but still I have "freinds" who never contact me, usually it is me asking how they're doing. I'm just too nice XD
ReplyDeleteAfter my mom passed away (when I was 25), we started having fewer and fewer family gatherings. That was basically the only time most of us spoke.
DeleteNo sense of humour coupled with being arrogant - that's a scary combination! To answer your question, as unlikely as this may seem I have never had a one-sided relationship with family or friends. It sounds like it would be extremely awkward to have to deal with though.
ReplyDeleteWow! That's how it should be. Either I need to be more personable or I need to swap siblings. =)
DeleteI don't believe in doing all the work! Fact is, we don't miss each other so much. The occasional "Like" on facebook should let them know I haven't forgotten about their faces. :P
ReplyDeleteNo way I'm friending my siblings on facebook!!! ;P
Deletethe must of the 50/50 rule for me might apply only to friends and to my husband(maybe). My family with regards to brothers and parents,and children I don't weigh so much who gave or who works the most..we don't have like that! If it means hundred percent for me to give,then I will, not to count how many percent they can give me:)
ReplyDeleteI don't think that way either, which is why it took me 3 years to notice. But at the same time, if someone doesn't want me in their life, I respect their choice.
Deleteby the way Rick, may ask favor again for comments here;
ReplyDeletehttp://www.3outof4.com/cruise-for-the-whole-family/
thanks:)
I have the same belief as you too. It is never a 50-50 and there are ebb and flow. I would usually give 3 chances of keeping up and putting the effort. Once I know I have already tried my best at the 3rd time with the other party not putting in the effort, I let go. I will mop and get upset but over the years, I've since learnt the powerful tool of letting go.
ReplyDeleteIt is sad to hear of what your sister has become. I sometimes shudder at the thought of people changing (for the worse). You mentioned about your arrogant sister in one of your posts before right?
Yes, you're right. She often starts sentences with, "You don't know this, but..." and of course it's something I know--usually it's something that's just everyday common knowledge. Or if I mention something she doesn't know, she acts offended and asks, "How do YOU know that?"--so it's not enough that I know it, she wants me to explain how I know it--and she offends me by implying I'm not as samart as she is and couldn't know something she doesn't. It's very strange. Instead of explaining, I just tell her "I live and breath sister, I live and breath."
DeleteLetting go is a good tool!
It depends how long we've been friends. The longer it's been, the more patient I can be. (Good or bad?) As for family, I haven't had to encounter this yet but I'd probably be really patient. (Again. Good or bad?)
ReplyDelete(Thanks for stopping by. Been lazy...lol.)
Absolutely, length and strength of friendship factor in. As for family, well, my family is different. Need to share a story or two someday.
DeleteHmmm I curious to ask how many Louis Vuitton handbags you guessed that I owned? If I combined my collection with my Mom's, we have a total of 6... Was that along the lines of your guess?
ReplyDeleteSix is a good number--I'm the 6th of 6 kids. =)
DeleteWhen I don't feel much effort from the other person to keep in touch, I kind of just let it be. They probably have their reasons. But I pretty much stop making an effort too.
ReplyDeleteI've wanted to end friendships, not necessarily because of the lack of 50/50, but because I feel like I've...outgrown them? People change, and sometimes things don't work the way they used to. And the older I get, the more I can see who my true friends are. (Not that many, it turns out.)
It really is better to let people slip away sometimes. I don't like the bit about people coming into our lives for a reason or a season or whatever is says. But not every friendship is meant to last. I'm disappointed about having lost some friends...and relieved about a few others. =)
DeleteAs an only child, I can't completely relate to where you're coming from (with the sibling thing), but falling-outs with my friends hurt like a biatch. I'm all for giving people another chance - unfortunately, I didn't receive that same opportunity in return. You can look back and see how you tried to patch things up with your sister, but I have to ask - how do you deal with the awkwardness of family get-togethers?
ReplyDeleteWhen I think there might be awkwardness, I speak to the person as soon as I see them to let them know I'm not going to be weird about whatever it is (unless the person needs to be teased a little). Plus, there are 6 of us, spouses and kids, so there are buffers if my sister needs them. But honestly, my siblings are all a little awkward. I'm used to it and for the most part I understand them. It's too long a story, but I feel blessed to have had experiences that allow me to relate to people differently than they do.
DeleteWhen I get introspective and "wonder if it's me", my wife smacks my arm. =)