Season of Regret

"Regret: To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about something that one wishes could be different." I don't have many regrets, but I guess everyone with a conscience and a memory has some. Memorial Day brings one to the surface. Today I'm thinking about a few. This isn't a sad post, just a reflective one. I haven't lost my positive outlook! =)

The first one is a faint memory, one of my earliest. I was only 5 or 6 and hadn't started school yet. My mom and I went to visit her sister. While they talked in the kitchen, I went into their living room and sat on the floor to read a book. From where I sat, I could see part of my cousin's bed in her room. She was in her late teens and had a disability. I still don't know what it was. She couldn't do anything for herself and couldn't speak clearly. Adults talked in code about it. Anyway, she must have heard me turning the pages of the book because she sat up and startled me--and stared at me. The world seemed to stop the moment we made eye contact. Something about her hair and face resembled the girl in the Exorcist. I ran away--afraid. I never saw her again. She died when I was 13. At her wake I heard people talk about how lonely she'd been, spending most of her time in her room with no one to talk to except her mom and 2 siblings (when they were home). When I heard that I thought back to that day. She probably wanted me to come into her room that morning, maybe read the book to her. Instead I ran away. I'm kind of ashamed of that. Yeah, I know I was tiny, but still I wish I had reacted differently.

The second one is short. I want to apologize to the people who read my "Mikey" blog. When I started it, I said I was trying my hand at fiction. But like all of the stories here, they are all true stories about my life. I said it was fiction because I didn't want my blog friends to feel obligated to read it. That was probably for the best because I also need to apologize for the writing being so bad (so bad even my wife didn't read them--LOL). The first chapter or two were okay, but it went downhill quickly. I think I do better when I can see an odd twist or something funny in an experience. I couldn't find a twist for those stories. Someone asked why I used the name "Mikey". It was simply that Mike and Mikey made good substitutes for Rick and Ricky.

The last regret is the one tied to Memorial Day. When I was 25, my office sent me on a trip during the last week in May. I planned to combine the trip with a vacation, so my wife and daughter were with me. I finished my work on the Friday before Memorial Day and was looking forward to time off--and visiting with my wife's relatives. She called my mom Friday afternoon to see how things were going. My mom complained about a headache. That was normal, she always complained about one ailment or another. Always. When my wife offered me the phone, I said no thanks. I was tired and didn't want to hear the complaining, so I told my wife I would talk to my mom when we got back. After playing bingo with her friends that night, my mom suffered a subarachnoid hemorrhage (from a brain aneurysm). It's a long story, but the bottom line is I never got another chance to talk to my mom. Officially, she died on Memorial Day. My mom nearly died when I was born and again when I was 6, so I was very lucky to have her with me until I was 25. I wish I'd remembered that when my wife offered me the phone that day. I realize I am being as subtle as a brick, but if you haven't spoken with a loved one in a while, maybe now would be a good time.

Regrets....things we wish we'd done differently. History can't be changed. The important thing is to learn something from them and not obsess over them (for too long). If someone offered to brainwash me so that I would forget all of my regrets, I would say no. Those experiences are part of who I am. Hopefully they help guide me in positive ways. As a great Canadian once said, "We need our regrets, our guilt. They're part of what makes us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves." William Shatner (as Capt. Kirk) was very wise. =)


PS - While I'm at it, I should apologize to my kids for embarrassing them on Sunday. As we sat in a restaurant I quietly sang along with a song lyric playing in the background. It was, "Shawty fire burning, fire burning, on the dance floor." I'm pretty sure only they could hear me and the looks on their faces were priceless. LOL, okay, this one is not a regret, I'd do it again. They make it too much fun for me. ("Daaa-ad!!!")