Darkside III: The Mushroom

Last year I wrote a few stories about bad things I've done (Darkside I and II). Nothing too serious. It's time again to feed my confession compulsion and share the story about my neighbor Billy's encounter with a mushroom. But before I go any further, I want to state that I tried to cut him a break, but he failed to heed my escalating warnings. Remember that!

I was 12 and wrestling in my parent's yard against Billy and another boy. It was going well until I felt a finger in a bad place. Apparently I had a small hole in the crotch of my pants that I didn't know about. Billy thought it would be a good idea to stick his finger in it. I threw them both off and asked him what was wrong with him. He said it was an accident. I gave him a stern warning not to do it again. We started wrestling and the little goober did it again. I threw them off, punched him in the shoulder and told him if it happened again I was going to shove a mushroom down his throat. I'm not sure why I picked that as a consequence, except I could see mushrooms in the yard. For good measure I told him they were poisonous. The 3 of us started wrestling and before long he did it again!

I'd let him off with a warning the 1st time, given him a slap on the wrist (well, a punch in the shoulder) the 2nd, and this was strike 3. That's huge in the US! I HAD to follow through on my warning. Just as with good parenting, it's important to follow through on your promises for both rewards and consequences. Right? Right???

Anyway, I dragged Billy over to the mushrooms, picked one, and shoved it in his mouth. I didn't make him swallow it, but I did hold him there a little while before letting him get up, spit it out, and run home...crying.

On the one hand, I thought he deserved it. But at the same time I felt guilty about it. I should have punched him in the shoulder again and sent him home. You should know I'd seen my brother chew the mushrooms and spit them out. They never made him sick. But Billy had no way of knowing that--he thought I had just poisoned him. On the bright side, as far as I know Billy never tried to do that to anyone again.

I hope he's not working for TSA now--don't let anyone named Billy pat you down as you pass through an airport security checkpoint.


PS - I'm going to have to post about some of the good things I've done to try to balance out these Darkside stories! =)