Periscope (Up? Down???)

I had to do something I always assumed I would not do.  It's a particular medical examination.  My plan was to never do it and then, at a ripe old age, die quietly in my sleep.

 

Or maybe get hit by a meteor.  That would have been okay too.

 

But after my bout of diverticulitis, I had to do it.  I scheduled a colonoscopy.  My doctor made sure I would by telling me I had to stay on a bland, mushy diet (rice, tofu, cottage cheese, yogurt, overly cooked fruit and veggies) until we knew exactly what was going on down there.  Nothing crunchy and no sriracha!!!

 

I had the colonoscopy yesterday.  I was warned the preparation would be the worst part of it.  But I had some fun with it.  The instructions called for me to drink 32 ounces of what tasted like lemon Pledge at 6pm Monday night and again at 9am Tuesday morning.  As I drank the first batch, I joked with my family that I wanted to be the first person to ever drink that stuff and NOT go to the bathroom.  At first I worried that might come true.  I drank it (in stages, as directed), but nothing happened.  Thirty minutes later, still nothing. 

 

To amuse the family, I held my stomach (as if pressure was building), grimaced, and told them, "I.can.con.tain.it!"  We all laughed.  But before long all heck broke loose.  The fun was over.

 

Skipping ahead to the next day (after going through the second batch of Pledge), after changing into a little gown for the examination, I asked the nurse if I could weigh myself.  When would I ever weigh less than I did at that moment???  She showed me to the scale and sure enough, I was considerably lighter (time to update my driver's license).  Anyway, when I got back to the little prep room my wife was smiling.  She said, "You forgot to hold the back of the gown closed when you walked to the scale.  You mooned everyone!"

 

I wasn't embarrassed a bit.  I told her that was important for girls, but boys only need to make sure their fronts are covered.  :)   I was in a silly mood. 

 

Actually, I was joking more than usual because I was a little worried.  Family members decided to remind me about two colonoscopy horror stories (which I won't pass on).  I knew the odds were overwhelmingly good, but I worried some anyway.

Thankfully the results were positive--and I never have to go through it again.  At least that's what I heard the doc say.  My wife thinks he said I'll need to do it again in 10 years or if I get another diverticulitis attack, whichever comes first.  Or the meteor...whatever.  :)


PS - I joke, but the examination was a breeze.  When your doctor tells you it's time for one, don't worry.  It's over before you know it.  After going through it, I can say it's not a big deal.  Before I knew that, I was lucky to receive anti-freak-out encouragement from a good friend.  Thanks Rooth!